Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Hotel for Dogs 2: An Actual Hotel for Dogs

Limo drivers that pick you up from home, personal massages, jogging partners, people to read to you, cook for you, play with you. Yup, being the pet of a rich person sure is a sweet deal. Just ask any dog that rides past you in the Poochmobile as you stomp through puddles of sludge to cram yourself into an un-airconditioned subway stuffed worse than an olive from hell.

Well, that warm lap of luxury so many pups are used to is just about to get warmer and more luxurious: Disney World has announced their newest resort hotel: a "Luxury Pet Resort".

Located just across the way from Disney's Port Orleans Resort, the Best Friends Pet Care resort will be opening this September 1st. The resort features many trivial amenities to be enjoyed by creatures that tend to be entertained by bouncing balls, balls of yarn, or other animals' balls, including:

- a 1,300 square-foot “canines only” water park
- a “Kitty City” pavilion – away from dogs – featuring two- and four-room condos
- ”VIP” suites
- and "Ice Cream Time"

No more kennel treatment for them! The days of being left with the aunt or uncle or neighbor are gone. Dogs, cats, ferrets, and even hamsters can get the Disney treatment - frolicking and enjoying magical fantasies on astroturf playgrounds and in preserved wetlands while their owners chow down on giant turkey legs and then vomit them back up after two consecutive rides on Animal Kingdom's "Everest" roller coaster.

At first I was jealous. Because, once again, I lose to animals. Precious and Fido get "ice cream time" and nicely appointed rooms on the park grounds while I have to fly coach, crash on my Mom's couch 45 miles away in her active retirement community, and beg her to borrow her car so I can drive to the parks.

But maybe jealousy isn't entirely necessary. I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but so much "pet luxury" isn't really that luxurious. I've noticed, because in New York City, animal spas tend to outnumber healthcare clinics by 10-to-1.

Pooch limos are usually vans that looked like they were bought off of 1980's-era rapists. "Playrooms" tend to be cavernous empty spaces with cheap-looking blue gym mats for floors and blank walls.

So maybe the previous list of amenities could stand to be better described...

Water park = one of those cheap plastic pools with a hose stuck in it.

"Kitty City" pavilion condos = big, metallic cages

"VIP" suites = broom closets

"Ice Cream Time" = employees devour ice cream and bitch about their jobs, while ignoring animals.

And, of course, none of this matters.

Why? Because they are animals and I honestly don't believe they can tell the difference between "food" and "fancy food". Does it smell like meat? Om nom nom thanks. Doesn't matter if the meat is real meat, meat-flavored, or meat-flavoured. What animals want is what they physically need: attention and nutrition and something that bounces or resists their sharp teeth when they gnaw at it.

They don't care if their leash has Swarovski crystals sparkling on every square centimeter. They don't care if it's a "water park", they just want to splash around. And chances are, if a giant Mickey Mouse comes bouncing in with Pluto at his side, they will all shit themselves and perhaps mount an attack.

But then again, these are CLASSY animals. Perhaps they wouldn't bother attacking, preferring instead to preserve their latest mani-pedi. Or maybe they'd just hire a doggie hitman to do their bidding for them.

Because animals are not pampered humans. If you left them in a room with a wallet and left your door wide open, telling them the world is their oyster (note: I am assuming your pet is not an oyster... in which case, this statement might permanently destroy their sanity) they would probably chew the wallet to pieces, leave, and go have sex with the next closest animal (or animal-like thing) they found, or chow down on spoiled food hanging out of a dumpster.

But then again, I think the paparazzi caught Lindsay Lohan doing the same thing two weeks ago. So maybe I'm wrong after all.

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