Thursday, August 12, 2010

The GOP is trying to slip it inside of me

Maybe you haven't noticed this trend yet. Maybe that's because you don't watch Fox News and read like I do. And because of that, you're probably better off than me. But because I can't just be happy, and must inflame myself with rage every once in a while, I admittedly turn my attention to these outposts of idiocy, bad haircuts, and porn-star-sized-tittied ditz models who can't read teleprompters. Oh, and "news". That too.

So, allow me to report back from the battleground: the sinister puppy-raping Big Brains behind Fox are making a run for you, Gays, and they want you on their side. That's right: if they have their way, GOP will stand for Gay Ole Party (which either conjures up the vision of an octogenarian orgy OR a bunch of cowboys square dancing in rainbow chaps) in no time.

Don't believe me? I present poofy proof:

1. Last night, Glenn Beck, the minister of sinister (and the kookiest, doughiest, former coke-snorting-disc-jockiest of the Radical Right) went ahead and told Frankenstein Culture Monster Bill O'Reilly that "gay marriage isn't ruining America":

I blinked so many times that a colleague thought I was experiencing an epileptic fit. I might have been. This is the boldest move the Repubs have made in trying to slip their elephant cocks (ouch!) inside of me. And when it comes to the GOP, I am forever weary. Maybe they're trying to make all gays die of a heart attack? Or maybe they're going with the common belief that Glenn is a few votes short of an Electoral College and saying that he's crazy enough to not mind gay marriage?

Either way, considering the hell-bent monologues that Beck issues on both his television and radio programs, and how he'll call Obama a racist and every Muslim a terrorist, it's sort of out-of-this-world-y to see slightly sensible words come out of his skinny lips.

But there's more.

2. Two days ago, posted an editorial with the title "My Fellow Conservatives, Think Carefully About Your Opposition to Gay Marriage." by a woman (no doubt breasty, blonde, and buxom) named Margaret Hoover. (PS: A gay-supporting article written by a woman with the last name Hoover? Makes me wonder...)

In case you've never spent time on the editorial section, this is a big deal. Articles posted here usually include: "Obama: Neo Hitler Butt-Raping American Families? Or Nouveau Mussolini Face-Fucking Our Special Needs Children?" and "Gun Control: Is the Government Weakening You So It Can Eat Your Money and Kill Your Parents In Front Of You?"

In the article, Hoover says something that is clearly ringing true with the Republicans who can actually read (in between drowning members of the lower class in their backyard grottos):

"The potential consequence that conservatives land on the wrong side of civil rights history again is the alienation of an entire generation of voters. With polling definitively indicating that Americans under age 30 overwhelmingly favor gay rights, with a majority supporting gay marriage according to the Pew Millennial Attitudes report published in February this year, there are multiple reasons for conservatives to think carefully before digging in their heels against gay marriage."

In the article, she talks about Prop 8, and why the verdict shouldn't be contested. She is wise. And I think the GOP heard her loud and clear. You KNOW you're being heard when Glenn Beck starts blathering your gospel.

3. But finally, the nail in the Lady Gaga-photo collage coffin is the announcement of the GOP's upcoming event "Homocon" in Manhattan. This event is being held by GOProud, an organization I have never heard of, ever. But according to their website, they are the "only national organization representing gay conservatives." Notice how there's no mention of the Log Cabin Republicans.

The head of this group goes on to say: "The gay left has done their best to take all the fun out of politics, with their endless list of boycotts and protests. Homocon is going to be our annual effort to counter the 'no fun police' on the left,"

Can anyone picture a flaming man in a boy scout troupe leader uniform delivering this? Am I the only person who can smell "fake" coming off of Homocon and GOProud like flop sweat off of Sean Hannity?

I digress. Point is: it'll be a huge gathering of homo elephants getting together in NYC with the grandest hag of them all: Ann Coulter. Wait. What? They are calling her the "Judy Garland of the right."

Does Ann Coulter sing? I thought she just ranted about people with skin darker than hers and asked people to bomb government buildings. I'm pretty sure I'd be more accurate comparing Judy to a waffle iron than to Ann Coulter. Then again, if you look like Angelica Huston from the film adaptation of Roald Dahl's "The Witches" POST-rodent-transformation in a cheap Halloween Store-grade Lindsay Lohan wig, then you probably have to spend mucho tiempo with the gays, because no straight man will probably ever let his penis even swing in your general direction.

I still plan on attending this event, however. As confused gay Republicans are both totally adorable, and woefully misled. They are the easiest one-night-stand you'll probably EVER find. Plus, the pick-up lines are easy: "Since we don't deserve equal rights, why don't we head right to my bed?" or "How big is YOUR trunk?" or "The only good Bush I've ever had was the two Presidents."

Feel free to continue this game.

But where does this leave us? With the sudden appearance of an organization, the sudden materialization of sensible editorial, and the sudden new-found insanity of Glenn Beck, I have never felt so hit-upon by the GOP as I am today. It's almost a bit too much. Where have they been all these years? Why are they SUDDENLY so interested in me? It's like I got a nose job, or they heard from someone that I have a gigantic penis and am awesome in bed.

They're trying to look sexier. More fun! They're like some guy at a gay bar with glistening muscles who walks in and starts talking you up. He's witty. He's clever. He smells nice. Plus he's rich (duh.)

So what to do? I know what I'll do: stay on my guard. Color me crazy, but I don't trust these guys. Sure, Shepard Smith is gay, and I'd sleep with him at the drop of a Medicare bill, but that isn't enough. The GOP is sneaky. Always have been, always will be. Behind this new rainbow curtain are the same sweaty, liver-spotted, $100-dollar-bill igniting super-geniuses that were there all this time.

They're just getting smarter. And they want your votes. They want to cater to the crucifix crazies, while amassing a big, gay movement on the other side. Sorry, buds. It ain't gonna work like that. Drop the Pat Robertsons and the Focus On The Families and MAYBE I'll give you my number.


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