Friday, August 27, 2010

Dental Damn.

Every Friday is Improv Friday at Said Panties. On Facebook, X and J take a poll of their friends for a topic (any topic) to write on. The most popular, ridiculous, or random is selected, and both X. and J must write about it. This week's topic, The Newsworthiness of Eating Used Condoms, "comes" from Michael Steinwand.

Here's something new: did you hear the one about the cum-guzzling toddler?

No, I'm not talking about the star of the underground porno Baby Facials 7. I'm referring to the grandson of one Ms. Carmen Jones, who was found snacking on a used prophylactic in their Atlanta motel room. The boy has had an outbreak of blisters and is being tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

This is pretty horrifying, and almost not funny.

I feel sorry for this kid - and his poor grandmother, who will never, ever be entrusted to take care of a minor again. Imagine, you're trying to do a sweet thing and take your grand-tot to Six Flags for a nice getaway. You intend to take your pride and joy on Superman's Ultimate Flight and to Bugs Bunny's Carrot Patch.

But instead, you inadvertently take him on some Two Dolla' Tranny's Gonorrhea-Go-Round, and then straight to the nearest Planned Parenthood.

Some grandmothers get chewed out for buying their little darlings too many toys or letting them have cookies before dinner, which, at worst, might make them fat and greedy. Grandma Jones, on the other hand, has let Junior play with something kids nowadays don't encounter until they're at least nine or ten, and the consequences are far greater. Suddenly, those warnings not to let the boy snack on unhealthy items all weekend take on a whole new meaning. Hot dogs and churros are looking pretty nutritious now, aren't they, Mom? When compared to the herpes-riddled ejaculate your boy has been slurping. Spoil-weekend with Grammma FAIL.

Given the boy's outbreak of blisters, prognosis is not looking good. Luckily, HIV is not known to survive outside the body for very long, but that doesn't mean feasting on a stranger's discarded baby-making fluid can't do damage. What are the odds that this condom contained at least one STD? I don't have a great deal of faith in people who have sex in motel rooms, especially those who are too lazy to throw out their used condoms when they are done. (I suppose it's heartening that they used protection at all, but this is probably only because they were committing adultery. Who else goes to a motel?) Maids must find several dozen of these critters in beds, on the floor, and stuck between the pages of that complimentary Bible every day. They must wonder why guests are unable to dispose of such waste themselves. Throwing away your own used condom is a minor inconvenience; throwing away someone else's used condom can be a traumatizing, life-altering experience. Note to all human beings forever: please discard your contraceptives after utilizing them.

I really wish someone had captured this moment of discovery to put on YouTube - although, I don't know. Would that qualify as kiddie porn? I've already probably been flagged by the FBI for the combination of words used in this entry.

This highlights another point, which is that kids are dumb. I know the boy was only four years old and should probably get a pass, but come on! I'd like to think that, even at the tender age of four, if I had found a balloon in my bed that had a slightly musky odor and was filled with a mysterious milky ooze, I would have had the good sense not to try and inflate that balloon. I have it on good authority that condoms are not tasty (well, unless they're flavored - but who really uses those, besides junior high school girls counting calories?). So why Junior had his tongue all in and out of this soiled rubber, I'll never know. Still, no four year old who only wanted to blow up a balloon should be punished by watching his own face blow up...with herpes. It'll be rough being the only kid in kindergarten with a sexually transmitted disease - you know, the one kid to whom "Ew, boy cooties!" actually applies.

Any bets on what the kids on the playground will nickname this poor schmo?

"Jizz Kid?"

"Mister Blister?"

"Spunk-Face Jones?" 

I know. Sad, isn't it? Kids can be so cruel.

And what of the fact that this item is reported as "news"? Clearly the sensationalism of the piece trumps any pretense that this information is being shared for the good of the people. This item could not be any more salacious and gossipy if the article read, "OMG! OMG! OMFG! A little boy had a used condom in his mouth, you guys! It had spooge in it and now he has blisters! Ewwwww!!!!" Who are we kidding? This is exactly the sort of story people email to their friends and laugh uproariously at, then pause for a second and make a sad face and say, "But it is kind of sad, though," to be clear that they are not a monstrous human being incapable of empathy for children who make unfortunate mistakes involving a stranger's semen. And then resume laughing. Few things in this world are truly shocking anymore, but a doe-eyed moppet ingesting a load of stale man-milk and breaking out into sores still raises some eyebrows. This makes me feel like there's still hope for America.

Is this story newsworthy? I'd say so. Grandmothers everywhere will be checking the sheets more carefully before tucking in Junior. Nobody wants to be "that Nana." Motels will be more diligent in making sure post-coital love gloves are removed before opening the room up for a sweet old lady and her precious tyke in tow. And maybe, just maybe, unfaithful spouses will take that extra thirty seconds before showering off from that "workout" at the "gym" to dispose of their seed, thinking, "Wouldn't it be terrible if a four year old rented this room before it was cleaned, found this condom, and put it in his mouth, prematurely contracting the herpes simplex virus that I am myself am currently unaware I carry, but will soon face the consequences of when this very STD alerts my wife that I'm cheating on her?"

Why yes, Unfaithful Spouse, it would be terrible.

Just ask Spooge-Face Jones.

Ribbed for her pleasure,


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