This Sucks

If you passed by a newsstand this week and gave only a brief glance to the racks, you may have been stopped in your tracks by the cover of this month's Rolling Stone. There, speckled in what's supposed to look like blood are three very naked True Blood cast members: Sookie, Bill, and some blonde dude who probably made his debut after I stopped watching True Blood.

Then again, if you don't know about True Blood, you may have just assumed that this was a bold new Tampon ad. ("Plug it up, before it blows all over the place!")

Either way, this cover cements what anyone with a head has known for some time: Vampires are SO hot right now.

It is the best time in history to be a vampire. In the past you were shunned from society, forced to live like a recluse in dilapidated mansions on the brink of towns filled with pitchfork-and-torch-wielding locals who wanted nothing more than to stab a stake through your heart. You wandered the countryside as a lonely mist with a power to turn into a bat or dog, sometimes feasting on cattle or livestock because everyone had adorned their doors with garlic cloves, and refused to invite you in.

But today? Why, you can make the cover of Rolling Stone. You can earn yourself a dogged following of screaming teenage girls who will profess their love to you, and their hatred to shirtless werewolves who are fighting you for the love of your life.

Where vampires once had to be invited in to people's houses in order to feast and grow their undead armies, they are now media superstars who are free to go wherever they damn please.

But why? What actually tipped Vampires into the mainstream? Was it Twilight? Was it True Blood? Was it the two of them together that created a Perfect Storm and resulted in such a bloody burst of vampires that I'm considering removing them from the top position on my "awesomest horror characters of all time" list?

And that's true, too. I have always loved vampires. From a very young age, I found Count Dracula to be an immensely intriguing chap. He dressed well. He had that weird accent. He had all those awesome powers. Plus, he could sleep all day long - the ultimate benefit, as far as I'm concerned. I was a vampire for four consecutive Halloweens - which is a testament to my love, because those fake fangs hurt like hell.

But now Vampires are the IT monster. Sucking blood has become a sick, romantic practice. And half of the world now thinks that vampires are emo and SPARKLE in the sunlight. My favorite monster is being pussified right in front of my sun-sensitive eyes, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

This happened once before: I was also obsessed from a very young age with the Titanic. Not the movie. Or the musical. The actual ship that sank and caused the death of thousands. Then, all of a sudden, EVERYONE loved the Titanic. It became the aforementioned movie and musical. Every time I mentioned the ship, someone would cheer "I'll never let go, Jack!" And I became very moody as I was faced with, for the first time, a private passion I enjoyed being perverted by the mainstream. I'm STILL not sure if Titanic has recovered from Leo and Kate.

And now the vampires are being ruined. They roll in cool, sexy gangs that hang out at bars and in parking lots. Which, of course, is as far from the truth as the glistening Rob Pattinson. Vampires are loners! They're in strictly defined classes! There are Master Vampires and then slave vampires.

But none of this matters: the mainstream has spoken, and it wants its werewolves sweaty and shirtless, its vampires horny and sparkly, and its actual vampire lore pissed on and decimated.

Fine. Whatever. I'm going to hurry up and adopt mummies or lagoon creatures before it's too late.